On the list of "worst model kits I've bought" Billings Boats 1/12 scale model of the African Queen, from the 1951 Academy Award winning movie of the same name, comes in second. To be fair, it is a decent model of a steam powered motor launch. However, this wood, brass, and vacuum formed kit is not a model of the African Queen. I've learned to expect a few problems in every kit, but the amount in this model are staggering. Billings instruction booklet includes photos of the actual boat, underscoring the kit's inaccuracies.

The problems with this kit began in step one. The pieces of this kit can quickly be divided into four categories: (1) Wrong, (2) Doesn't fit, (3) Not included, and (4) Included but unnecessary. Many of the keel frames did not fit. I checked my measurements and tried compressing the hull to the frames which didn't fit, only to force other frames out of place. I settled for cementing the frames where they fit best, as close to the proper measurements as possible. The interior deck did fit mostly, but the outer deck had to be both shortened and widened at the stern. I scribed the planking into the decks before staining them cherry brown. The hull frames were wrong, so I cut twenty new ones from sheet styrene. The bench seats were also wrong. I built new ones with balsa wood, detailing them with styrene baseboards and doll house hinges on the seats. The real gearbox cover is a wooden box, not an arched metal housing, as included in the kit. The tiller provided was replaced with a new one made from styrene rod and a plastic ball from a push pin.

For the boiler, Billings provides a plastic tube, onto which an assortment of wood and metal pieces are to be cemented, capping it off with a tall wooden cone and a short funnel, all bearing little resemblance to the real boiler. My wife and I perused the aisles at Target, shopping for bottles with the right shoulders. A day later, I had built a new boiler using a Suave shampoo bottle, a trial size hair spray bottle, and some plastic tube. I plated the boiler with craft copper, pressing rivets into the back side of the thin metal with a pencil before cementing it in place. The oval fire box door was replaced with a rectangular one, built with styrene and copper plated. I scrapped the dual steam whistles included in the kit, building a single whistle out of brass rod. A new thermometer was made from a piece of clear sprue and some scrap decals. I weathered the finished boiler with dry brushed acrylics, pastels, and generous coats of Rustall. The instructions called for the boiler and steam pump to be encompassed by a maze of pipes and hoses, most of which are not present on the real African Queen.

In the movie, Charlie has jury-rigged an old tarp as a canopy. Billings includes an ornate, red and white striped awning with scalloped edges for this part. I dropped their awning into the spare parts bin and made a new one by draping facial tissue over the framework and soaking it in super glue. Once dry, I painted it with acrylics and glued on tiny washers as grommets. The big winch, sitting prominently on the African Queen's bow, bilge pump, anchor, and masthead light were not included in the kit. I built the winch from scratch using balsa wood, styrene tube, and some plastic gears from my spare parts bin. The bilge pump was cobbled together using insulated wire and scrap parts. I bought the light and anchor, rebuilding the anchor's stock with styrene rod.

With the boat finished, I weathered her battered hull with pastels, sealing the powder in place with liberal coats of Krylon Matte Finish and Testor's Dull Coat. Now it was time to clutter her decks with cargo, combining doll house tools with scratch built crates and provisions. On one of our walks, my wife and I stopped to gather twigs, which I later reduced to the kindling that littered the Queen's decks. A drink parasol from the defunct Kahiki restaurant became Rosie's umbrella. I made labels for tins of sugar and tea, cans of beans, bottles of gin, and the cover of Rosie's Bible on our Mac.

For the crew I selected two resin doll house figures. The female figure needed only a hat and her left arm resculpted to hold the tiller. The male figure needed a major overhaul. His legs had to be changed from a seated position to standing, kicking the steam pump. His arms and torso needed reworking as well, to eliminate his suit. A cap was sculpted using Milliput and a sheet styrene visor. With a cigarette, a bottle of gin, and some stubble, Charlie and the African Queen were complete.

As model kits go, this one was a truly lousy. However, this kit does prove that, with skill, research, resourcefulness, patience, and a fair amount of swearing, even the some of the worst kits can be built with beautiful results.